Dreama's Reality

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Picture any of the following scenarios:

• the dreaded BSOD (or Blue Screen of Death) makes an appearance and there’s no way out, all you can see is a scary percentage count at the bottom of the screen and the technical information makes NO sense!
• The computer has suddenly downloaded malware and is freezing & you don’t know what to do!
• Your processor is under pressure and is struggling to play Windows Media Player and MS Paint – it crashes!
• Insert similar computer-induced crisis here…

1) Push and hold the power switch button for 5 seconds

A drastic approach but one that works. When in crisis, simply push and hold the on/off button  until the screen cuts off and the quiet whisper of the processor is no more. Success! The problem is out of sight, and you can go and put the kettle on! – Note: you may lose files, but sometimes these are recoverable…

2) Rip out the power cord from the mains

Usually sparked by much frustration and one or two swear words but works a charm! WARNING: This will cause unsaved work to be lost with little chance of recovery. Can also damage computer over time, and is only a quick fix.  Works though. *shrugs*

3) Push and hold the Escape key (ESC)

Usually does nothing. I think it’s there for decoration (or for sentimental reasons) since it is usually non-responsive in a computer crisis. Don’t take my word for it, try clicking this repeatedly when something is wrong and if it fails, at least you can distract yourself with the clicky sound of the button…

4) Push CTRL+ALT+DEL simultaneously

Used to be, this ‘three finger salute’ was THE go-to fail-safe in a crisis as if you did it continuously and ignored the warnings, it caused the computer to instantly shut itself down. Thanks to the many Windows’ upgrades, this can now also bring up several further options like locking the computer or changing the password. During a session with the old BSOD the last thing you’re thinking about is your password!

5) Call IT support

Now, you can always dial for help – bear in mind, you’re likely to have the pleasure of talking to a know-it-all with a thick foreign accent, and whilst this is something you might welcome in a social situation, (the accent not the arrogance), in a crisis this is annoying and will cost you extra on your phone bill as most of these kinds of calls are 50p+ per minute…

6) Use Windows’ own ‘Help & Support’ option

This in a crisis? Yeah right! You’re better off shouting at the screen. Now, if you ever want to access a web version of this, you can and it’s actually rather helpful in resolving most things computer when you’re not in a jam. But we are talking about crises – and something about an inescapable blue-screen that doesn’t react makes you want to select one of the other options.

Still, to access the above screen, just type help & support into the start-search and hey presto!

7) Wait for the issue to resolve by itself

You know that circly loading thing that rotates, and rotates, and rotates until you’ve forgotten what it is you were actually doing and have lost all hope in your computer? That’s the result of this option. You either have to be very patient or some masochist sort to go through this…

8) Shutdown the computer properly

If you’re the practical type, someone calm in a crisis, you might click the start button, followed by the little arrow that gives you several shutdown options (or alternatives) and choose one of these. However, this is usually a process reserved for a normal end of session, and chances are, this doesn’t apply in a crisis!

9) Manically click the red “X” in the top right of the screen

This only ever works in normal situations, like being done with a page, or programme. During the middle of a BSOD ep, you’ve got no chance. Typically a computer/internet noobs go-to, but they will be greatly disappointed. Surely though, someone so new to the interweb or a computer in general in this day and age, is questionable…

10) Close the screen & ignore the issue [Notebooks and Laptops only]

Out of sight, out of mind? Whoever said ridiculous conclusions don’t make us feel better? Of course, the issue will probably be patiently waiting for you upon your return, after which you can select another more suitable option…

11) Hit screen in anger/break computer

WARNING: May (or will) completely destroy system. Not advised by any means, but defo has pros and cons:

• Pros:
  • Will stop BSOD or similar issues that are causing restricted computer use
  • Will provide temporary break from work/procrastination
• Cons:
  • There is no recovery from this
  • You will feel silly and possible regretful about breaking a worthwhile piece of equipment
  • You will be greatly inconvenienced

So there you have it! Did I miss anything?